So this is goodbye

I don’t know how all this is going to sound but never the less, here it goes.

I picture myself like a block of ice, (can you tell I just got back from an Alaskan vacation?) like that game “Don’t Break the Ice”. You know, that game where you carefully tap out a block of ice. With the passing of every disappointing month since we began TTC, it seemed that a little piece of me chipped away and the longer I traveled the infertile road, the harder it was to hold myself together. And then we are told biological children would never happen on our own efforts. Whatever pieces were left, they all came crashing down. Game over. And maybe there was one or two chunks of ice holding on in the corner, the possibility of IVF or adoption, but over these past few months those chunks have also fallen.

So here I stand, broken and hopeless and not having one clue on how to change it. I thought maybe a vacation would do me good but it almost magnetized the problem. I even thought of therapy but then I remembered “Don’t Break the Ice” and realized I have to build back up one piece at a time. I want to revive the passion that was once in our lives. I want to find meaning after IF. I want to start adjusting to a life without children. I want to chuckle at the sight of sleep deprived parents instead of desperately longing to be in their shoes. I want to be thankful for my absent stretch marks, my clean home and sleeping in.

I know what steps I have to take. One of them affects you my dear reader.

I started this blog with the naïve notion that it would take no more than 3 months for me to get pregnant. I made plans for my maternity leave; I even planned childcare with a friend. But those months came and went and instead of chronicling my growing belly, it told of the heartache and disappointment of being infertile. It really has been a baby crusade. But it won’t be about that anymore. Our life is more like the un-baby crusade, unraveling this IF mess, debriefing from ideas like “family”, reinventing what our home will look like.

As much as I have enjoyed writing and sharing, I can’t allow my thoughts to be consumed by baby, the making or lack they’re of. I have to move on. I cannot record stories of anger, bitterness, depression; I know there is more to my life than the calamity of being barren. But I also cannot live out my remaining few years as a fertile woman with false hope. As difficult as it is, I cannot continue posting here.

These past few months, being with you and receiving your support has meant more to me than you will ever know. You were there for me when I felt most alone. And when I thought there was not one soul that understood, there you were. I have made several special friends through this blog and it is my hope that these friendships will only grow stronger through time.

I do plan to keep this blog up in the hopes that if someone dealing with IF comes across it, they find comfort or validation in the words.

Happy trails to you,
Until we meet again.
Some trails are happy ones,
Others are blue.
It's the way you ride the trail that counts,
Here's a happy one for you.

Going, going, gone.

Au revoir friends. I leave for my Alaskan cruise in about 20 hours and will not be visiting Blogland for awhile.

I’m packed, probably a little over packed. Still need to load up my mp3 player with some new stuff, but other than that I am golden.

We decided since this trip is free, we should splurge on some things we would not have the chance to do if we were funding this vacation on our own. So we booked a helicopter ride to the glaciers and at one point we will actually land and walk on the glacier! BFF is so scared that we are going to die and I have to admit I’m a little anxious myself but it’s going to be grand, I just know it.

We also booked a floatplane to see Alaska’s fjord’s. Go ahead, click here to see what a fjord is. I know I had to. The reason we booked this particular trip not even knowing what a fjord is, was because 3 people told us about it AND it was voted best excursion on 2 separate websites.

So this “free” trip is turning out to be not so free.

But I am excited. Sad to be leaving Husband but eager to board that ship! I hope to have lots of pictures to share. I wish you all a good week.

In the words of Ron Burgundy, You stay classy San Diego.

Columbia Cassettes

I was driving in the car today and I heard the song of the very first 45 my father ever bought me; Rod Stewart "Do ya think I'm sexy?" The song was released in 1978 so I must have been 6 or 7 when he gave it to me which is a little crazy to me. But then I thought that it would be no different for my 8 year old niece to go wild over JT's "I'm bringing sexy back", right? But I digress.


Hearing Rod Stewart today got me thinking about that little 45 and how proud I was to own a piece of music. By the time I was 11 years old Columbia House was giving away a bazillion free albums if you bought 12 more over a 3 year period at regular price. Remember that deal? The very first LP I bought through Columbia House was this album:

In just a short amount of time cassettes replaced LP's and I was buying that deal once again through Columbia House but with a different name because you and I both know that I never kept up my end of the deal in buying 12 more in 3 years at regular price. I owned two copies of each of these cassettes because they were played so much they got worn out or because they got eaten by the cheap cassette player in my 1980 Toyota Tercel.

By the time I was a senior in high school and thanks to my many alias', I had quite a collection of music. Yes, it would be safe to say that I single-handedly brought Columbia House to it's bankrupted knees. But it would all be in vane. CD's (I'm not talking cycle days here my sweet fellow IFer's) made it's grand entrance and I was mad as hell. How in the world was I going to replace all the cassettes? I wanted cd's badly but when you have Columbia House's arsnal of music in your bedroom, it seemed impossible to replace. Slowly I made the transition. My first cd ever purchased was a biggie.

Ya, you could say I was a big fat stoner at this point. Going down to the space theater and catching the evening laser show played to the music of Led Zepplin and Pink Floyd was a prerequisite to buying the boxed set.


Now it's 2008 and we get our music in virtual form. The first time I saw an mp3 player I thought "Oh, that won't last. It's too technical for us common folk." Pfft. And sadly I cannot recall the first file I downloaded. Makes this post seem anti-clamatic and pointless, doesn't it? Anyway, yes folks, I have been raping the music industry for years. You think it ended with the fall of CH? I was a downloading junkie when it was totally "legal". And it all started with a little 45 that dear old dad bought me, that was probably disguised as a gift to himself.

Side One Led Zepplin IV

I did this a few months back and it was alotta fun and thanks to a recent anon I thought I’d dig up some more and see how y’all do.  

The Rules
Pick fifteen of your favorite movies.
Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
Post them here for everyone to guess which movie they came from.
Strike it out when someone guesses correctly in the comments, and put who guessed it and the movie.


NO CHEATING!

1. Yeah? I'll tell you what. Until I get back my five thousand dollars, you're gonna get more than you bargained for. I'm your goddamn partner. Raiders of the Lost Ark guessed by Lisa
   
2. Lip my stockings. Yes, prease, lip them.
3. Yeah, I'm just going home, grab a shower and shave, give the wife a little pickle-tickle, and I'm on my way. A League of Their Own guessed by BB and MTB
4. I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill? The Matrix guessed by BB and MTB
5. One minute you're defending the whole galaxy, and, suddenly, you find yourself sucking down Darjeeling with... Marie Antoinette and her little sister.
6. Major Strasser has been shot. Round up the usual suspects. Casablanca guessed by Kate
7. Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show? Blazing Saddles guessed by Bill W.
   
8. I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do! Wizard of Oz guessed by Kendra
9. I am a Death Dealer, sworn to destroy those known as the Lycans. Our war has waged for centuries, unseen by human eyes. But all that is about to change.
10. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our godamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of you're assholes! Vacation guessed by Elaine
11. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV. Fast Times at Ridgemont High guessed by BB and MTB
12. Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. Caddyshack guessed by Lisa
    
13. I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.
14. You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? Goodfellas guessed by BB and MTB and kinda by Seussgirl
15. Explain the situation? Yes. 'Excuse me, sir, my friend was the one balling your wife couple of hours ago. Really sorry. He seems to have left his wallet behind. I was wondering if I come in, just poke around, I don't know'. Yeah, yeah, just like that. That's good. Sideways guessed by Kate

Alphabet Game

That Seussgirl is so darn clever, I had to play along.

She's Seussgirl
and can't spare one second snoozing
supervising her twin sons.
And snickers really satisfies.
(Lame I know but I couldn't think of anything else)

My name is Alison
and I'm going to Anchorage
with a crazy angel
and a suitcase full of agua.

Her name is dmarie
and she's a DIY-er
needing a dangerously strong drink
to dwell in her digs.
(not really, she handles the rennovations like a champ)